© 2011 Josh gator

The Life of James K Polk (abridged) in three acts. An outline.

ACT I: In which our hero discovers who he is not.

James K Polk is born the eldest of 10 children, he is born full grown, carrying his siblings from the womb. At the same time, elsewhere in the country, the first bald eagle is born.

During the hardships of trying times, Young Polk is forced to defend his homestead from mercenaries hired by the bank to steal his land and the souls of his brothers and sisters.  During the melee, Polk is poisoned by the villainous Henry Clay, but still drives them off.

Over months, the poison takes hold on his system  nearly crippling him; and Polk is taken by his father into philidelphia, where he meets the kung fu master Dr. Cho Sing.   Dr. Sing, after curing Polk of the poison, is reluctantly convinced to train Polk in the secret art of imperial eagle Kung Fu.

One day, during his training, Polk is visited by Rorio, the bald eagle with whom he has a shared birthday. They connect on a deep, spiritual level, and strike an unbreakable friendship.  Rorio tells Polk the secrets of the wind, and in turn, Polk teaches Rorio how to build shelters and tend crops.

United with his power animal, and a master of Kung Fu, polk enrolls in college.  In six weeks he masters the whole of law, and seeking another challenge, joins the debate team where he meets his future wife, Sarah.  Polk quickly becomes the debate champion of his state, but in a bizarre twist of fate he is defeated on the national circuit by his arch rival, Henry Clay, who once again poisons him… this time with a terrible hallucinogenic that drives him into a killing frenzy.

Embarrassed by his defeat at the hands of Clay, and the deaths of nearly thirty bystanders, Polk abandons collegiate life, and with his then fiance’ Sarah at his side, joins the Tennessee militia.

Act  II  The rise of James K. Polk

The militia takes Polk to sea, where he squares off with the villainous pirate Blackbeard. Who boards the ship while polk is asleep, and slaughters his crew, kidnaps his fiancé.  Alone on his ship, with just his trusty slave, Cutty, Polk chases blackbeard all the way to Europe, where He follows him to England and apprehends him as he is about to blow up Buckingham palace.

As gratitude for his intervention, the king of England promises James K. Polk one wish, anything he can imagine.  Polk, after being knighted, banks the promise and sails back to America.

Once back in America, he Apprentices under the lawyer Felix Grundy, and is introduced to Andrew Jackson.    Grundy,  Jackson, and Polk enter a poker tournament together, and end up squaring off against Henry Clay, Newton Cannon,  Jose Juaquin de Hererra.   They lose when Clay poisons Polk, cheats the hand and knocks all three of them out of the tournament in one fell swoop.

As they leave, Jackson resolves to become president and make it a federal offense to cheat at poker.  Polk and Grundy begin working for his campaign.   Grundy is assassinated by Jose de Herrera and Newton Cannon.

Polk hunts down Newton Cannon, and catches up with him, just as Cannon is about to be elected governor of Tennessee.  In a desperate gambit for revenge and glory, Polk challenges Cannon to a runoff for the governorship, wagering his own soul against the seat, and delivers a speech so powerful that not only is he immediately elected, but the earth splits open and swallows Cannon whole.   Polk has discovered an untapped talent for oration that would go on to define the rest of his life.

In 1843,  then President Jackson calls Sir Governor Polk to his house, where he informs Polk that of his suspicion that the electoral college is trying to kill him.  Polk takes up residence at the white house in attempt to dissuade assassination, but a few weeks later an army of ninjas burst into the white  house and nearly kill them both.   With his last breath, he Andrew Jackson grants the Presidential seal to James K Polk.

Polk is shocked and tortured by the death of his friend and mentor, and as his first action as Acting President Pro Temps declares war on the electoral college.

Act III: Manifest Destiny

Polk uses the awesome power of his oratory to compel the entire country to vote for him, thus legitimizing his presidency, and though his efforts have forced the electoral college into Mexico, their influence is still his greatest threat and Andrew Jackson remains unavenged.

During these troubled days, Polk is faced with a nearly impossible list of tasks. The nation, under Jackson, was a bucking bull, and Polk must see it tamed.   He is visited by Dr. Sing, and warned of a plot by the electoral college to have him killed and replaced by Henry Clay; and urges Polk to leave the white house, to escape with Sing to China, where he will be revered as an emperor.

Dr. Sing is barely in the white house for a day when he is poisoned by Henry Clay and dies.

It was during this time of tragedy that Polk inscribed the words Manifest Destiny on the back of the presidential seal; it would serve as his mantra and the seal as his talisman.  He embarked on a vision quest deep into the core of the earth, under the guidance of the ghost of Andrew Jackson, where he was united, body and soul with Rorio the Eagle.

When he returns to earth, he is joined by an army of bald eagles, each one hundreds of feet from wing to wing, with a beak made of steel and eyes like diamonds.   Polk was ready to claim America’s Destiny.

First, riding on a giant eagle, and flanked by his feathered air-force, Polk annexes texas, Enraging president Jose de Herrera.  President Herrera resorts to the darkest of evil magics and builds a perfect soldier, a great general, from the bones of the aztec gods.  Infused with the spirits of hundreds of Mexicans; Santa Ana rises from the black smoke of a hundred human sacrifices and begins to raise an army of his own.

Polk is warned that Santa Ana has awakened the Great Dragon Ryumyo, who was sleeping these thousand years in the center of mount fuji.  And Polk knows he only has days to reach his goals before he must confront Santa Ana’s arcane might.

Running out of time, Polk cashes in his favore with the king of england, acquiring the entirety of the Oregon Territory.  Simultaneously establishing an independent treasury using the gold hidden there by time travelling nazis from the future.

Henry Clay strikes yet again, this time poisoning Polk on the eve of the battle of california.  Polk is forced to send General Taylor to Claim California in his stead, but at the hands of Santa Ana, Taylor suffers a massacre so horrible that history does not record it, and we only know of it in now by the will of god’s angels.

When the poison has run it’s course, Polk, for fear of losing any more American troops, Polk rides his eagle, by himself, into mexico to challenge Jose and Santa Ana.  He crosses the border into then mexico, and squares off against the entire 50,000 man Mexican army and the great dragon Ryumyo.

The battle lasts for 22 days.

Returning bloody and victorious to the white house, President James K. Polk, the ruler of a united america that stretches from sea to sea, a swath of freedom carved across an unforgiving globe,  arrives on the front lawn, where he is greeted by his wife.  He dies in her arms, poisoned to death by Henry Clay.

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