© 2011 Josh bambo

Blam!!!

It’s animal week on SaveRana – Today’s featured animal is Jorbo the Ibex.  He’s not actually an ibex, he’s what’s known as a Bayou Iguana.  Half reptile, half mammal.   Jorbo exclusively eats dragonflies and mosquitos, using his long prehensile tongue as a harpoon to snatch them off the surface of the swamps.

Jorbo may look cute and innocent, but his barbed tongue carries a vicious paralytic poison called Uriquewan; which has some use among natives as a hypnotic in complex religious rituals called Shownings.

Shownings are essentially dogmatic communal bitch-fests where a shaman or therapist leads the group through a guided meditation punctuated with outbursts of vitriolic hatred towards the rigors of daily life.

Here is an example of one such session, led by Dr. Alan Popsotono

Dr. A P:  I am a peaceful soul.

Group: I am a peaceful soul.

Dr A P:  I radiate peace to the world.

Group: I feel the gentle waves of peace flowing across my mind.

Dr A P: As these peaceful thoughts emerge in my mind I feel the stillness and silence envelopes my mind.

Individual group member: I hate how my bank charges me a transaction fee for making online ACH purchases from my savings account.

Dr A P: I am a peaceful loving soul.

Individual group member: My wife has expressed interest in fucking my neighbor, she doesn’t think I know, but it’s become clear to me.

Dr A P: Good Share… I am a ball of light, composed of the vibrations of the earth.

Individual Group Member: My tongue is numb, and I just bit it to see if it would hurt, now it’s bleeding.

Dr A P: I am a being of light shining like a star.

Individual Group Member: My hands are melting, this is really fucked up… They’re really melting, guys I don’t think I’m hallucinating, I think my hands are melting

Dr A P: Holy shit, yeah, your hands are melting, wow, that’s really fucked up.

Individual Group Member: Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

Dr A P: Does anyone have working hands? We need to call an ambulance or something. Someone!

Group: Oh god, what’s happening to us! (in various different ways)

Dr A P: I don’t think this is supposed to happen.  Holy shit, what is that?

(There is a rumbling from the forest)

Individual Group Member: Oh My God! WHAT IS THAT! (shouting becomes indistinguishable)

Dr A P: Can anyone move? Somebody needs to get help!

(From the darkness of the edge of the woods, there’s a crash and then… something, I don’t really know what, it’s about 20 feet high, with maybe eight highly articulated limbs bursts out into the clearing, it has a large maw on a long stalklike neck, its mouth is filled with gleaming, dripping teeth, each at least six inches long, there’s confused shouts of terror for the group as the creature whips its head around and snatches up one of the group members, struggling to masticate the bulk of the 5’8 woman.)

Individual Group member: I’m really tripping bad, what the fuck is this shit.

Dr. A P: It’s real, it’s fucking real, everyone run!

Individual group member: Asshole, we can’t run, we’ve all taken this fucked up paralytic poison, and now we’re all going to die!

Dr A P: Good share. You’re right.

(The group is mostly eaten by the monster.)

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

Share/Bookmark
Get Adobe Flash player