© 2011 Josh lupercalia

Lupercalia: Fuck that valentine.

Lupercalia is an ancient pagan festival, like most of the good ones, about fucking, feasting, and sacrifice.    It was meant to ward off evil, ingratiate yourself with the smiling, sexy, carnal superbeings that hung around back in the good ol’ days, and kick off a new year with extra fire, sex, and food.  It took place on February 13, 14, and 15th.

Pretty much, think of Pan the furry hoofed horny half-goat of greek mythology, the Romans had a similar god, Lupercus, who was the shepherd god.  He was named after the Lupercal, the cave where Romulus and Remus were nursed by a wolf.  Naturally these two influences led to the way in which Lupercalia was celebrated.

So, you want to celebrate lupercalia, but you just don’t know how.  Well, here’s a handy three step guide to make it easy for you and your friends to have your own Lupercalia party.

1. Dress Code:  Get naked.

Not totally naked, actually, you’re going to strip nude, but then slip on a harness or a girdle made out of goat-skin; if one isn’t available, my humble recommendation is to head over to Nordstroms and pick up a nice goatskin jacket, gentlemen, sheepskin condoms instead of latex tonight, and well, maybe just some  goat-inspired clothes.  I expect these outfits were similar to what is typically considered to be fetish-wear today, proudly displaying, enhancing, or suggesting genitalia.  I shouldn’t have to tell you how to look for fetishwear, you’re already on the internet.   Regardless, these outfits were meant to represent an exhibition of commitment to the event; perhaps having your own lupercalia fashion show would be a good way to kick off festivities.

2. Burn shit.

Typically you’d kick off the party by sacrificing a wolf or a dog, to honor the wolf-mother; then kill a pair of goats, for fertility, to honor Pan, the horny satyr.  Then you run around with bloody strips of goat and whip each other, this is to get everyone in the mood to fuck.    Additionally, the vestal virgins should be on hand to burn saltines.   Of course, most of us don’t have access to wolves and goats, so if I may offer another slight alteration, I don’t think the pagans will mind:

Personally, I don’t know a lot of people that would come to a party where dog was on the menu; I’d probably be willing to try it, but I’m sure it would end up being one of those dishes that ends up in the trash missing just a few courtesy nibbles. The purpose wasn’t so much to eat a dog, but to sacrifice it.  So we need some alternatives for dog-sacrifice.   One recommendation I received was, along familiar catholic lines, was to substitute a ‘transubstantiated’ wafer for the dog, Wolf-cookies?  Other suggestions included listening to Wolfmother, or forcing dogs to make a sacrifice, such as making them wear goatskin jackets.    I say, take some personal liberties here, and if you really want to serve dog, well, I can’t stop you.   Worst case scenario, hot dogs.

The goats are significantly easier.  Serve goat cheese, roast cabrito, curried goat, spanakopita, capretto, cavatelli with goat ragu, shop your heart out at preferredmeats.com.

The getting horny part, and very appropriate to the festivities, body painting, far more sanitary than whipping each other with bloody strips of goat flesh.

3. This is why you’re here.

After  your goat-themed fashion show, and your decadent carnal feast, its back to tradition.  Lupercalia was a big fertility holiday, and no fertility holiday is complete without fun sex games.  The priests would gather the names of all the single-ladies of the village and throw them in a jar, probably made out of some animal’s pelvis, and the men of the village would then draw those names.   Bam, partners for the rest of the evening.  This is a tradition that doesn’t need to be updated at all, obviously some some gender/lifestyle liberating alterations may need to be made to accomodate guests, the only rule being that everyone without a partner must be partnered at this point in the evening.

While this is all going on:

Lets not get things confused here, pagan festivities, celbrations, holidays, etc, were all about fucking, drinking, and eating; not safe party games and movie marathons.  These were actually very popular events and had to be stamped out by other religions/governments/societal regulations, because people were having too much fun and that is historically frowned upon.

Lupercalia, in case it wasn’t clear by now, is one of those ‘get fucked up’ situations, so liquor and wine should be flowing freely all evening, peer pressure is mandatory. Add a little weed to mix it up, but not indica, make sure you get a nice sativa to facilitate physicality.

Obviously, music is left to the host’s discretion, but don’t try to be cute with authentic period music; again, this isn’t about being clever, the music shouldn’t be intrusive, it should be overwhelming. Drum&bass, Jungle, House, music that makes people grind one another on the dance floor; keep the energy level as high as your guests should be.

Next time someone invites you to a shit Valentine’s day party, or anti-valentine’s day party, or any of that shit; have your own invitation ready, hijack that bullshit party by stealing their evite guest-list, and blasting them with your own; you know that’s how the Pagans got fucked over, it’s time for revenge.


  1. Posted February 14, 2011 at 4:49 pm | #

    You are strange. I like it. Good read. I’d love to see a reenactment. Let’s turn this pagan sex fest into a reality show. Showtime.

  2. Shaggy
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 5:13 pm | #

    Sometimes, I wonder if wolfmother wears goat skin… or drinks sheep milk.

    or is it WEAR and DRINK

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