© 2011 Josh Holy-Penis

Giant Tiger runs wild in DTLA! Veterinarian implicated in sex scandal.

This morning, at 4:42 AM, Enrico Gustavo made a frantic call to 911.  “Help me!  I’m trapped in my car and I’m about to be eaten!”.  Six minutes later, according to the coroner’s report, he was dead, but not from what you’d think.  Enrico had an uncommon blood disorder called polycythemia vera, which can lead to stroke and cardiac arrest, and in some very rare cases, can be triggered by stress.  Meeting Kang was most likely the stressful experience that may have triggered it.

Kang is what’s known as a ‘designer animal’, an animal conceived and gestated under carefully controlled laboratory conditions to achieve a specific scientific aim.  In some cases, designer animals are cultivated in order to track genomic mutations for analysis relating to evolution, or are intended to facilitate reproduction in endangered species; other uses for the process are not quite so noble, such is the case with Kang.

Dr. Marco Gianakis of the Collins-Detrivus Institute of Genetic Science is the lead on a cutting edge project codenamed ‘Darloss’, intended to test certain techniques in genetic manipulation intended to regulate what are typically  basic self-limiting biological processes  such as aging, organ development, and in this particular case, growth.  Essentially, Dr. Gianakis is breeding, for lack of a better word, monsters.

From paw to shoulder, Kang measures 1.8 meters in height, about six feet, and weighs almost 900 lbs. Kang exceeded, quite literally, all of Darloss’s expectations, as they managed to, in layman’s terms, disable the genetic mechanism that limits physical growth.  In essence, Kang is permanently in the juvenile growth state, and will continue t0 increase in mass until his organs can no longer support the stress of his physicality and he dies.

Kang’s escape from the facility is allegedly a result of the well-intentioned efforts of an animal liberation activist, Gunther Robertson, who was, until recently, employed by the San Diego Zoo as a consulting veterinarian specializing in exotic predators.  How exactly Mr. Robertson gained access to the CDIG’s laboratory is still being investigated, but according to sources within the facility, he was often seen in the company of a female researcher (name withheld pending investigation) and speculation around the lab suggests “They were madly in lust”, as one source claims.  “He was always around, and [the two of them] would often be sneaking out to [engage in intercourse]”.

Investigators discovered the connection when Gunther was admitted to Los Angeles County Hospitals with severe lacerations and several broken bones, indicative of a brutal animal attack.  Shortly afterwards, the first sightings of Kang surfaced.

Authorities caution that Kang is extremely dangerous, and anyone who spots him should immediately call animal control; however the CDIG is offering a $100,000 reward for any individual or organization that delivers Kang, uninjured, back to the Darloss project.  The researchers caution that Kang is most likely experiencing a nearly insatiable voracious hunger, and like un-modified Panthera tigris, is a fearsome and cunning hunter, capable of swimming long distances, climbing nearly sheer surfaces, leaping tremendous distances, and running at speeds in excess of forty miles per hour.  Unfortunately, due to his massive size, Kang is also expected to have a proportionately increased muscular strength, and the exact limits of which have not been tested, and should be significantly greater than benchmark results from normal bengal tigers.   Dr. Gianakis reminds us that Kang, like all tigers, is nocturnal, and authorities recommend staying off the streets of Downtown Los Angeles at night until Kang is recovered.

One Comment

  1. Posted February 18, 2011 at 3:42 pm | #


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