© 2011 Josh kimfingers

Passive Aggressive Rebellion

I love sleep, tangerines, and the redemption of character flaws, in that order.  I hate routine, getting cuts on my fingers, and unintended sequels.  I suffer from an irrational compulsion to continue dragging my ass to work, squandering my paycheck on modern ‘necessities’, and staying indebted to the future me that may or may not work up the nerve to drop out of modern life with a big fuck you.

I get headaches at work. My headaches are, ostensibly, caused by staring into a computer screen for sixty six percent of my life. It’s common, or so google tells me.  Really, though, they are a dull throbbing reminder, a constant indicator of self-defeat; like the morning alarm clock, just as frustrating and unfriendly.  Instinctively, when I feel it coming on, my eyes dart to the little clock on the computer screen.  Considering how, pardon the cliche, short life is, we shouldn’t ever feel the need to urge the clock on.

I haven’t punched anyone;  I havent set a fire, or crashed a car, or howled at an authority figure;  I haven’t knocked around a crowded mosh pit, screaming my head off, or drank half a bottle of tequila and challenged the ocean to a duel, in years.  We used to play this game, on the beach, after midnight, someone would throw a tennis ball as far out into the sea as they could.  We’d fortify ourselves with liquor. Then after the crash of a wave had knocked the ball out sight, we’d set off after it, whoever caught it would get to throw it again, in any direction they wanted; not the most creative game, but fun, nonetheless, because being drunk meant you didn’t feel the cold, and the undertow wasn’t so terrifying.

What the fuck do I do now?  I go to work, I go home. Sometimes I’m at a bar, sometimes I’m at a coffee shop. I don’t know how to stop.  I haven’t seen an ocean up close since June, and then it was just a few minutes between trying to convince strangers to be on television. I thought that teenage angst was supposed to go away when you stopped being a teenager, but it doesn’t, it just gets its ass kicked by ennui.

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